[ this is a post – March 20th, 2012 ]

March 20, 2012 § 1 Comment

To tell you I will be posting tomorrow not today because taking my Mom to Chemo and stocking her up no goodies and necessities and seeing my best friend is far more important (and relaxing!) then a blog post about how much professors have no compassion, suck in general and how higher education really needs to get a grip on how crippling it can be to have an ‘unseen illness’. Plus if I wait a day… you get a better less bitter post!

In other news, I kinda miss the red ombre and please please please leave comments about what you think of the new layout! Its really important to be to figure out if its going to work for my next big step!

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[ realizations for creating happiness – January 18th, 2012 ]

January 18, 2012 § 1 Comment

Sometimes you have to come to little realizations in life, mine was that I was not happy. I don’t mean I didn’t enjoy living or that I don’t love my friends and my puppy, nor that I’m depressed. But something was missing, ya know? Something wasn’t there, I wasn’t doing anything I was passionate about or that challenged me, everything was just… neutral. I needed to do something in my life that was going to challenge me, that was going to be something I could do for the rest of my life and love it and enjoy it and not be bored by the mundane aspects. That is what doing PR was for me, it wasn’t exciting, it wasn’t challenging me, it just felt like something I was good at and could succeed at but wouldn’t fulfill me. I needed something that was going to fufill me.

I was already going to graduate with 4 degrees… what else could I really want? I realize though, that after all this time I could not continue with my Public Relations degree so over my time in England I really had to think about what I was going to do, if I was going to switch anything it needed to be immediate upon my return to Chicago. It put me in a hard situation, I didn’t want to lose all the work I’d done in my Public Relations degree, I didn’t want to lose the classes and have them be worthless from my Journalism minor either and I certainly didn’t want to go back to majoring in Journalism…

When I was a little girl, maybe as young as 7 or 8 I wasn’t that girl who played with barbies (though there’s NOTHING wrong with that), I played sports and I preferred being outside and I had an intense obsession with dinosaurs, that was when my interest in history really routed from. Around 9 or 10 this transitioned into an intense interest in Egyptology. By the time I was 12 this has transitioned into my fascination with reading about World War II and Eastern European/Russian history, something that has stuck with me to this day. The thing is, I made a stupid decision when I started college, mostly influenced by the type of people I was hanging out with at the time. I wanted to live a glamourous life, I wanted to wear pretty clothes and go to fun parties and I wanted to be one of those girls who everyone envied. I was already starting school 2 years late and I didn’t want to graduate at 30 with my PhD just to be a teacher… I didn’t want that.

In reality I just wasn’t mature enough to realize that I would be happy doing that, that I wouldn’t have a problem teaching and that that ‘glamourous’ life was just the brain of a 19 year old wanting to be the exact oppposite of what she had been in high school. But I realized at some point that there was ust so much more to life then this, why would I limit myself to what I was doing because of some ‘optimal’ idea of what I thought my life should be. I just wanted money and glamour, I never thought about if that would actually make me happy, if I could do that for the rest of my life. I’m a much different person then I was at 19 when I got accepted at DePaul, I’m almost entirely different in my own eyes. I hardly recognize myself some days, and that’s not just because I went back to my natural hair colour and am no longer platinum blonde.

So I made a choice. I knew what I wanted to do, what would make me happy. I knew that bringing challenge back into my every day life would keep me on my toes and excited for the rest of my life, doing something I’d always been passionate about would be better for me. The only downside is, well, my Dad didn’t exactly take me telling him well. My Dad is unfortunately one of those people that when it comes to money, that’s sort of all that matters. He can ice the cake however he wants, but money is in many ways more important then happiness to him, because he thinks that money is what is going to bring happiness, when for me money has caused way more problems then happiness. I’d rather struggle a bit but not dread getting up and going to work every day then be living in fantastic means but hating what I do. Going to grad school and getting my MA, hopefully eventually my PhD in Anthropology is what I’m going to do. I don’t care if my parents support me or not, all I was ever promised was my undergraduate education and that’s all I would ask them for. I am on my own so I will do what is going to make -me- happy not them.

So I threw out my PR major, condenscend my classes in Communications into a generic Communications minor, kept the Media Arts degree (three classes from completion!) and am going for it, I’m going to graduate with my BA in Anthropology and get my butt into a damn good grad school and be happy with my life if it kills me (it might, GRE books are scary). But its going to make me happy, I haven’t been this excited about post-graduation from my undergraduate degree in a really long time, I was always aprehensive and skiddish about it, but now I feel an odd content feeling.

That feeling is called happiness, and its amazing.

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