[the importance of being an insomniac – 1.13.11]
January 13, 2011 Comments Off on [the importance of being an insomniac – 1.13.11]
This week has been an odd one. I already want to write and it’s only Wednesday (yes I’m beginning this on Wednesday because, well, you’ll see). I had originally intended to do 1-2 updates a week outside of my ‘recap’ and CollegeFashionista posts so I suppose this would properly put me on the mark anyways.
Well my internet has been down since Tuesday, it’s actually probably more like 3am on Thursday so it’s been out for a little over two days now, and so has my cable. Now, while this may not seem like a big deal to most people, it’s a very weird thing to have no outside contact like this when you live alone. On one end, it’s really refreshing, I’ve spent most of the last two days reading books and watching movies I haven’t seen in ages and just hanging out with my dog. Yeah, I can check twitter on my phone but that’s about the major extent of my outside contact. When things like this happen it really makes you realize how dependent you’ve become on technology. For example, last night was a bit crazy, it had started snowing, I’m still feeling pretty awful, and I only had one menu for take-out in my apartment which was one of those places with a $20 minimum and a $4 delivery charge, likely left over from when Kendra still lived here and that was nothing split between two people, but when it’s just one person ordering that’s a bit expensive (at least for my bank account). So what did I do? I thought about what I wanted, whined a bit on the phone to my Mom, convinced her to get on grubhub and order my food for me.
Downside? Realizing that my attachment and dependence on technology has gone much, much too far. Upside? Mom paid for my dinner. (ie – fuck yeah now I have like $10 extra in my bank account, hello face mask from Lush… and toilet paper, because buying that would be more responsible than two face masks) Realization? That our generation has become much too attached to things that, in the end, may be beneficial but are not necessary to our existence or survival. It’s one of those awful catch-22’s. Yes, I need a phone with my e-mail, texting, internet, and calling abilities because of the industry I want to work in. I need to be available in all 4 ways at all times in case someone needs something done or there’s an emergency or a thousand other reasons I could think of to justify it. I mean once I answered an e-mail from TimeOut 45 minutes after I’d gotten it but because I didn’t respond right away they asked someone else to cover the event! But on those days where I don’t need to be reachable… do I really need all of that? No. I really don’t. Like last night when it was already late and all I needed was some dinner, how ridiculous is it that I couldn’t manage to order food on my own because I’ve almost forgotten how without the help of GrubHub or internet access. I’m not saying that our attachment to technology is necessarily bad; I just think that at times it is a bit scary how dependent on little pieces of plastic with some wires in it so many of us have become.
PS. This is what happens when you take away from ability to cure my boredom and nervous anxiety with late night tv infomercials and tumblr. I start to ramble on about things that we all know or have been said over and over and it can get pretty dull and boring.
Now for part two of this entry I’m moving on. It’s 1pm, I’m sitting in the library in silence and I’m reflecting upon what I wrote last night. I honestly find it awfully hilarious when I write things at 3am because that’s been I get this awkward mix of lack of sleep thanks to insomnia and my ADD that just clash in the most curious way. I get to this oddly serene point where I feel like things are just… clear. It’s 3am, I’m awake, I’m anxious because I can’t go outside and walk or drive because it’s snowing, I have no tv, I have no internet, what do I do? I write. This happens a lot even when I do have tv and internet access. I get too aware to just sit and stare at them. I’m not sure if aware is really the correct word but it’s the closet thing I can think of to describe the feeling. It’s that time of the night when I do all of my thinking. I realize the things about me I need to work on. I stress over all of that French homework I’ll spend all quarter putting off. My dog gets pissed at me because I’m pacing around the apartment and keeping him up when he’s like ‘MOM I WANT TO SLEEP, I’M A PUPPY, I NEED SLEEP!!!’ Exclamation marks and all. I swear the caps are necessary too. If you must ask this is because whenever I pace he likes to follow me around and nip and the tendon above my heel, it’s rather annoying actually, he’s lucky he’s so damn cute.
Anyways. Yes, I’m starting a new paragraph simply because that one was getting too long, not because it is actually grammatically correct. Fuck the England language sometimes I do what the fuck I want. Anyways, so I’m pacing and my little annoying yet adorable dog is nipping at me. This is when I realize a lot of things. I realize I stress too much. I realize I’m too attached to technology. I realize I’m mostly, actually, just fine the way I am. Some how this is the part of the night when I most feel I’m pretty, I remember I’m not actually as fat as I think I am. Sitting here in just a tank top and my underwear (possibly with awesome aloe socks my Mom got me for Christmas on as well, which while gaudy are a gift from the gods for making your feet soft) with my dog, who is now sitting next to me on the couch, still pissed off (or possibly behind me leaning over me pretending he’s a parrot, he likes to do that as well) Then I realize I need to sleep. Some how after all of that thinking is when I sleep the best. One day I’m going to have to go to a therapist or something and ask why that is. My best guess would be because it’s when I feel most comfortable about myself. In the haze I become comfortable with the fact that there’s things I need to change or would like to change about myself but…
It can wait until morning.
(all of the photos in this post are old, from my flickr, but are infact mine, please don’t use without giving credit or asking, as per the usual.)